I’m not necessarily proud of this, but…
I feel it’s important to self disclose.
I threw a “Pity Party”.
And it was a pretty big one.
I’d apologize for not inviting you, but I don’t think you would have enjoyed my company. (Plus, the party favors were nonexistent. No cake either.)
It’s been a 4 day ‘bender’, but, the good news is, as of midnight tonight, the party is over. I’m kicking
everyone myself out.
Let me explain.
Last Monday, an undesired scenario for the upcoming school year came to fruition. I’d been successfully trying to ignore the possibility for weeks.
The program I am part of has been restructured. A ‘numbers thing’, apparently.
So, what does that mean for me?
Next year I will have a different position.
I’ll be packing up my classroom for the third time in less than a year.
I’ll be leaving a school community I enjoyed.
I’ll be saying goodbye to colleagues I have established comfortable relationships with.
I’ll be learning a new curriculum, new procedures and new schedules.
I’ll need to establish myself and build a reputation.
I’ll be deemed effective or ineffective by someone who will only know me in a new position. (I hate first years. Seconds are better. And thirds? Thirds have me feel like I actually know what I am doing. Never made it to a fourth.)
I’m feeling the pressure.
So, since Monday, I’ve been mourning my losses, allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by unknowns, and perseverating on feelings of inadequacy.
But then yesterday happened.
I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am for meaningful conversations with
colleagues friends over glasses of wine.
And sleep. Which, sadly, has been restless or nonexistent.
And inspirational quotes appearing on my Twitter feed. (Thanks, TR!)
And prayer. (And then the realization that perhaps my prayers were being answered. I probably should have thought of the possibilities of ‘use me however you see fit’.)
But what has been most helpful is time.
Sometimes, we need to give ourselves the time and the space to just feel lousy, and be okay with not being okay. Life happens.
(And believe me, I understand how fortunate I am.)
I am in a much better place today than I was on Monday morning.
And just between you and me, the party probably could wrap up right now.
However, I will be taking full advantage of my midnight deadline by enjoying some Ben and Jerry’s Caramel Almond Butter Brittle ice cream tonight.
I’ll need some nourishment for my upcoming season of growth.